Crisp air nips at my ears.

Leaves crackle underfoot.

The smell of wood burning fills my nose.

The sounds of your laughter ring loud and true,

And the warmth in my own heart warms me more than any fire ever could.

The memories I’ve held for so long,

Play back like so many movies in my mind.

You all laugh and joke, but I sit back and watch.

Absorbing this moment, capturing it.

So when it is gone, I’ll still have the slideshow.

The best friends I’ve ever had,

And the most fun I ever see.

Breathing in the fall air, breathing in love.

Remembering this moment under the full moon.

Snuggled in my sweatshirt, toasted marshmallow on my tongue.

Your eyes bright across flickering fire.

Embers dancing like the hope in my heart.

Hopeful that this night will never end,

Hopeful everything could somehow stay the same forever.

Flames that are never quenched.

But all too soon, the final log falls,

And I find it’s time to say goodnight.

Hugs and more laughter, love without end,

Realizing this beautiful night is soon over,

In the process of becoming just another memory like all the others.

And as I drive home, I breathe out the breath I’ve held.

Not daring to exhale and ruin the moment.

Not bothering to worry about breathing, when you all are my air.

Finding that I breathe more easily with your secondhand.

Falling to bed, the night fades fast, but I find the memory still fresh.

But soon all I’ll have left is a picture of this moment.

So I breathe in one last time searching for that love scent.

But all I breathe in is the smoke that clings to my clothes and hair.

More pungent than when I sat by the fire,

Sweeter than when I said hello.

Because by the fire I don’t always appreciate the moment.

But alone, when all I have is woodsy smoke in my hair, I smell it more deeply.

Lingering smoke, reminding me of where I’ve been. Reminding me, it’s done.

And I hesitate to wash my sweatshirt.

Because I hold it like I want to hold all of you.

Even this scent of bonfire smoke will soon fade.

As will you and I my dear.

But for now I breathe it in, breath you in.

Because autumn has always been my favorite season.

Sometimes I feel the weight of the world.

Pressing down, squeezing every ounce of air from my lungs.

I breathe heavily,

Chest rising.

Chest falling.

Heart pounding so hard my ribs ache.

The choices, the people, the dread, the disappointment.

I want to leave it all.

I want to run.

But if I run my thoughts run with me.

Keeping pace with me.

Outrunning me.

Beating me.

I am trapped.

Trapped in this skin that doesn’t breathe.

Trapped in this skin that’s suffocating me.

It’s too tight, I try to stretch.

But instead it only restricts me.

Instead of being one, we are two.

My skin and I constantly fighting against each other.

Straight jacketed in my own body.

Prickling up my spine,

Tingling down my arms.

Straining and stretching to get air into my skin.

If only I could shed this skin.

If only I could shake it off.

If only I had skin that fell away as sodium poured over it.

Maybe then I could run without the weight of my skin.

Maybe then I’d be me instead of the skin that I’ve become.

If only.

I could breathe.

I could finally fly the way I’m meant to fly.

If only.

If only I had salt skin.